Daddy Dearest.

A poem of realization.

I know now 
That you aren’t the man 
I thought you were.

I now realize that 
You never really were.
And that you never will be.

It hurts profoundly 
Deep inside, where the little girl in me still dwells.
She loved her daddy more than anything.

But that little girl,
She isn’t in control anymore.
I’m sorry for nurturing her false hope.

I bought into the sham as well,
The idea that you could be
The father that I wanted, that I needed.

There is water under the bridge yes,
But there are also jagged boulders,
Lurking just under the surface.

Rocks that haven’t yet faced the currents of time,
Edges not yet worn smooth.
They cut, not just bruise.

To jump the bridge 
And land upon them, hidden under the surface’s illusions,
Would break me.

I know this now.
You are not the person that I want.
That person never truly existed.

---

I’ve been no contact with my father for about two decades. In a fit of loneliness and despair, missing my mother, I decided to write him a letter. It was one of many such letters written over the years, but this one was actually sent out. Since then, I have had some contact, and after each time, I was left feeling… disappointed, panicked, miserable. The little girl who loved her daddy cries and acts out, wanting nothing more than to be loved. But the rest of us, those who also comprise the being known as me, we know better. We may wish it weren’t so, but wishing on stars only works in stories, never in real life.